Stress Management

compliments of: www.nanny.com

Time Out IS Stress Management!
Time Out as a means of changing children's behavior should never be used to punish, as in "Go to your room!" -- that's not what it's meant to do and won't work anyway. Used as punishment, Time Out is a power trip for adults that humiliates children and leaves adults thinking, "What am I doing wrong?" as the same misbehavior recurs and recurs.

Time Out is of course modeled on sports, where it provides a breathing spell, a break. When a coach calls, "Time out!" he's saying, "We need a moment to think this through."

Time out should create that same kind of breathing space for children, not to mention adults so frustrated by the child's actions that they can't think what else to do.…

Time Out as a means of changing children's behavior should never be used to punish, as in "Go to your room!" -- that's not what it's meant to do and won't work anyway. Used as punishment, Time Out is a power trip for adults that humiliates children and leaves adults thinking, "What am I doing wrong?" as the same misbehavior recurs and recurs.

Time Out is of course modeled on sports, where it provides a breathing spell, a break. When a coach calls, "Time out!" he's saying, "We need a moment to think this through."

Time out should create that same kind of breathing space for children, not to mention adults so frustrated by the child's actions that they can't think what else to do. Time out should be seen as a way to give both parties a chance to re-group. It works because it removes the child (and the adult) from the confusions of the moment, thus providing time to see a bad situation in a better light.

In other words Time Out is just another a way to redirect a child who's misbehaved, and a better way at that, as it gives the child time to think lovely thoughts without adult help. It also releases the adult from the obligation to create a distraction: when a child's thoughts get to redirect themselves, you get a breather and the child gets to find a solution independent of the one you might expect.

What a relief!

And Then…
Actually -- fortunately -- it's not quite that simple: while the first part of Time Out is removal from the situation, the second part is helping everyone to understand what went wrong and how it might go better. Like a football team, you and the child have to find a solution by communicating with each other.

Here's where you, the adult, learn a new discipline that exemplifies the discipline you want your child to learn. While your son or daughter is away from the situation, get yourself away from it, too. If you were so wound up that you couldn't find a better way to redirect things, then you need a breather. If you can, go somewhere else to relax, ratchet your thoughts back down to normal or shut them down altogether, and toss out the old tapes. You are listening for a new solution.

Some experts recommend that you pick up your sewing or dishwashing or rocking in your favorite chair, any non-intellectual pursuit that lets your mind work on a problem independent of your efforts, rather like sleeping on it. Such a retreat is always an option; there is no specific time when you must return to the matter to discuss it with your errant child -- sometimes it's better the next day, depending on the child and the problem. But at the appropriate moment you must. Don't succumb to the temptation to set a specific limit to the Time Out -- "Go to your room for ten minutes!" Instead, say "When you think you're ready to come out, call me." That way the child controls the decision to come out rather than being locked into an arbitrary timeframe. Allow him this; it primes him (or her) for thought.

Now comes the best part, because instead of lecturing your charge on how to do better, you get to ask him or her for a solution. "What do you think went wrong here?" tells the child that it's not only his responsibility, but his right, to do better. It says that being right is not the necessary prerogative of adulthood.

If the child counters with, "I don't know," be sure not to tell him.

Instead, say amiably, "Let's think it through together." Go over what he or she thought happened, and then, if it was different from what you thought happened, throw your view into the mix. Talk to each other, it needn't take long. Don't allow yourself any knee-jerk conclusions, and don't let your child off too easily either. If you're not both satisfied with the solution, it probably isn't a good one: you want to teach your child to think the situation through rather than let emotions take over. You want to show your child how it's done.

The Moral
How much saner this approach is than one that says "I know what's best for you,-- so don't bother to think for yourself!" Don't we want children to think for themselves? If their solutions surprise us, isn't that terrific?

Time out is an approach we should all use when we get into a jam. It's not, "Don't stand there, do something!" Instead, it's "Don't do something, stand there!" A solution will present itself if you let it.

Why do we all, both children and adults, think it better to cling tooth and nail to a position we've arrived at rather than see what solutions others might offer? I think we adults feel that we haven't the time; children think, from our example, that this is how it has to go.

But the time is better spent here than in repeating failure. Not only children ("out of the mouths of babes…") but maybe the janitor or your secretary or the elevator operator has observed a problem that's finally landed on your desk at work. Maybe he (or she) has a suggestion that you can flesh out together.

Give the other person's thought equal weight with your own, regardless of age or station, and take a load off! Stepping back to listen to others, to think before acting, allows new ideas to flow and shares the responsibility for finding solutions. Remember also to give credit, whether to your child, your janitor, and anyone who contributed to the solution. "Good work! We figured it out," reinforces the lesson and encourages future successes.

What a better way to live!

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Questions for you:
1. How well does Time Out work for you?

2. Do you find that there's much variation in results as children get older?

3. Do you think adults need a separate space for their own Time Out? How long does it take you to unwind?

4. Can one come back to the situation two days later, or is there something critical about addressing it in full at the end of the Time Out period?

5. What other strategies have you found for preventing clashes/power struggles with children?